Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize