She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
