in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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