Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
