U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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