my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize