I'm laying in your front yard are you home
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize