EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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