Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
