Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
