so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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