get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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