The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
