Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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