Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
