you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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