i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
