$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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