one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
