remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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