so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
