dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
