my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
