We're facebook friends in real life
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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