mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize