Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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