Betty ford says i'm here all night
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
