Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
