Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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