you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Acid is not a monday night drug
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
