just tell him i said nine months
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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