the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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