so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
