Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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