i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
