I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
