guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
