Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
