New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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