And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
