so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
