I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
40s are totally the cure
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
