I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
