I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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