I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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