what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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