I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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