I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
