I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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