my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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