Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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