when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
