I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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