at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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