i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
