youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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