she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize