Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
