i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
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