There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
