Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just had sex on a roof
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
