He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
third nipple confirmed
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
