had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
