Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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