it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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