i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
