Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
