Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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