I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
