Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We just shotgunned beers for America
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
