my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
