I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
